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Jokes Page 2

Top Reasons Eminem's Wife Filed for Divorce

1. Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.
2. Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.
3. Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.
4. Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum.
5. Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive freak. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive freak for a change


Country Music "Singer"

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again.just can't wait to get on the road again." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road again.just can't wait to get on the road again." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music ."


The Best of the Worst Country Music Song Titles

- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight,(even if she had a chance to win)
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone who will
- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft;
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
- You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


Q: Why do sound engineers only count to 2 when they check the PA?
A: Because at 3, they have work.

Q: What did a music school graduate say on his first day at work?
A: "Would you like that supersized, sir?"

Q:What do you get if you cross country music with rap?
A:Crap

A Buick with five entertainment lawers in it went over a cliff. Everyone was killed. Do you know the saddest part? A Buick holds six.

One music journalist to the other, "Have you heard the new **** album". "No, I hated it".

Q: Why did the choral director go into Haydn?
A: He said he couldn't Handel it and he'd never be Bach.

Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. you got a problem with that!?!

Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman.

Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun?
A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds.

Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A: A demented chord.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: .hmm.I don't know.what do you think? Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "One, two, three, one, two, three."

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
A: Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.

Q - What do you say to a drummer in a 3-piece suit?
A - "Will the defendent please rise."

Q - What do you call a musician without a significant other?
A - Homeless.

Q - Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
A - It took him an hour to get the drummer out.

Q - What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A - You get your job and wife back.

Q - What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A - A drummer.

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - 20, 1 to hold the bulb and 19 to drink till the room spins.

Q - How do you get a guitar player to play more softly?
A - Give him a sheet of music .

Q - How you get him to STOP playing?
A - Put notes on it.

Q - What does a guitarist say when he gets his gig?
A - "Would you like fries with that?"

Q - How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

Q - What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A - Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Q - What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A - New Age music .

Q - What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A - "I didn't wake up this morning."

Q - What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A - Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Q - How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A - 1. "One, two, three, one, two, three."
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q - Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A - Start with two million.

Q - How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.

Q - Limp Bizkit and Dennis Rodman are on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?
A - The music world and the NBA.


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.


Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician.kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in a car wreck and all three die. They are standing in front of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes up and says,
''Oh, Hi guys! We've been expecting you. Your really going to love it here, this is a great place and did you know that we even have our own band? We have Elvis Presley singing, Hendrix is playing guitar, Sinatra is on piano and Roger Waters, your old bandmate, is writing lyrics for us!''
David Gilmour replies, ''Roger is here? When did he die?''
St. Peter leans over and whispers in his ear. ''It's really God, but he thinks he's Roger Waters!''


YOU MIGHT BE A DRUMMER IF.

-you insist on spending an hour tuning your snare, even though no one can hear the difference.

-you accidentally slam on the brake or gas mistaking it as a bass drum pedal.

-you think listening to Dream Theater is "WORSHIPPING."

-you tell the people at resturuants who sing and clap "Happy Birthday" that they are out of tempo.

-you've ever tried to play any other instrument with drumsticks.

-your style of dancing involves slapping your thighs and pounding your feet.

-while everyone else is dancing at a club, your girlfriend watches your prowess on air drums.

-you play the drum part on a song and ask someone if they recognize the song.

-you play soft rock songs on the steering wheel.

-you can find the beat the first five seconds of the song.

-you friends tell you to stop hitting them in your sleep.

-you "play" yor pen and pencil on your desktop in all your classes.

-you are always yelled at by the band director to spit your gum out, because there is no gum allowed in the band room.

-your house constantly vibrates.

-your set cost more than your car.

-you're known as "that drummer kid."

-you think Carl Palmer and Neal Peart are good names for boys.

-you freak out when someone else is behind your drum set, and warn them about breaking a head (even though they only hit your drums with 1/10th the force you use)

-20% or more of last year's income was spent on new cymbals.

-you've ever dropped a stick while playing and not noticed.

-you have ever lost your grip on a stick, and it hit you in the face after rebounding off of a drum head.

-you've ever taken longer than 30 seconds to realize that the rest of your band has stopped playing.

-you've ever set your pants on fire because a cigarette fell out of your mouth an you continued to play anyway.

-you've ever tried to show you guitarist a riff using your drum set.

-you've ever written somthing on guitar and at least 75% percent of the notes were muted.

-you've ever taken baton lessons to learn to twirl your sticks.

-you were kicked out of your school band for always insisting on a solo.


YOU MIGHT BE A GUITARIST IF.

-you always carry picks in your wallet, but not necessarily cash.

-you start a scale in the wrong place, and your wife comes home and tells you she bought a new g-string and you answer, "Cool, Phosphor Bronze or Nickel wound?"

-your wife tells you she dented the fender, and you run to the guitar room to check on your strat.

-no matter where you are in your house, you're within 5 inches of a tray of picks.

-you go through more strings than girlfriends.

-you tie your shoes up with high gauge strings.

-you've ever been sprayed with water to make you stop playing.

-you've ever taken speed just to play death-metal.

-you've ever threatened someone with physical violence after they bump into the head of your guitar (and caused it to detune).

-you've ever yelled at someone for playing one of your old guitars, that hasn't been touched in 2 years.

-you've ever dropped what you're doing to go across town on "emergency pick run."

-you can play Stairway to Heaven on any stringed insturment.

-you take more than one guitar on a 3-day vacation.

-you've ever missed two meals in a row trying to "tab out" a song.

-you've ever stopped playing a song in the middle because of a mistake that no one else noticed .

-you've ever figured out tv commercial jingles/tv show themes just to kill time.

-someone has threatened to injure you if you play Stairway to Heaven one more time.

-you have one or more guitar within reaching distance while reading this.

-you have a strong urge to play your guitar while reading this list.

-you are reading this list with a guitar on your knee.

-you have taken a break from reading this list to play guitar.


YOU MIGHT BE A MUSICIAN IF.

-your phone is unplugged for 2 hours or more a day so you can practice.

-you are more worried about breaking a finger then breaking a leg.

-Bach is not just a funny sound you can make in your throut.

-when practicing chromatic scales becomes more fun then bowling.

-you spend more money on books, instrument supplies, private lessons, and classes then rent, food, and bills combined and, you have more then one job to pay for everything.

-you dream about little sharps attacking flats and whole notes falling in love with quarter notes.

-playing The Flight of the Bumblebee is as easy as reciting the alphabet.

-you know that normally The Flight of the Bumblebee is not that easy of a piece.

-the thought of taking a break, if only for a week, sounds crazy and suicidal.

-you listen to PDQ Bach and get all of the jokes.

-that irritating song that's been running through your head for two weeks is by Mozart.

-that irritating song that's been running through your head for two weeks is from "Wozzeck" by Webern.

-your notice you are drumming your fingers on the table to the rhythm of the classical music being played at the restaurant.

-you walk down the hall singing the bass line to Beethoven's 7th and you wonder why people look at funny.

-you might be a musician if you consider Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" marchable.

-you prefer playing your instrument rather than having sex.

-you know and can recite all the musician jokes and derivitives in score order!

-getting the sniffles is a true catastrophy.

-you walk around conducting the Verdi Requiem, Dvorak Requiem, Bruckner e-minor Mass, Beethoven 7, etc., and wonder why people are looking at you funny.

-you can roughly translate any Latin text, but you've never taken a Latin class.

-your co-workers can tell what you are listening to on your headphones by the way you are typing.

-you're willing to shell out $16 for a score to 4'33".

-you know what 4'33" is.

-you know Tchaikovsky's full name AND all its spellings.

-you have played more instruments than the average person can name.

-you own more in sheet music than in CDs

-you can define the difference between a sonata and a concerto.

-you know 101 jokes involving either violas, French horns, or percussionists.

-you know any jokes about players of any other specific instruments.

-you took more semesters of foreign languages, that you hardly ever use, than english.

-you have expelled more hot air than your average politician.

-you actually cheered on the marching band in high school.

-you have ever played anything by Bela Bartok.

-you had carpal tunnel before computers became popular, or have injured yourself more times sitting down than standing up.


66 SIGNS YOU BEEN IN THE BAND TOO LONG.

When you hear music and you start marking time.

When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.

When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.

When all your friends are in the band.

When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.

When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.

When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.

When you like wearing your uniform.

When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"

When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.

When someone hits a wrong note and you chew them out for an hour.

When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.

When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.

When people worry when they see you without you instrument.

When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.

When band camp is FUN.

When you answer to "Band Nerd."

When someone says the words "atten hut" and you automatically put your head up.

When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.

When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.

When your mouth is frozen to your mouth piece, and it feels normal.

When left slides or right back slides feel normal.

When your instrument has a name.

When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.

When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.

When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.

When you give your instrument a birthday party.

When you can make white shoes look black.

When your uniform fits.

When black feathers become a fashion "do".

When you see your section more than you see your family.

When everyone wants to kill the other football team.and you want to kill the other band.

When you have dreams about early morning marching band.

When you think morning practices should start a half-hour earlier.

When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".

When you CAN sight-read.

When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.

When reeds taste good.

When you have a band song stuck in your head, and you tap your foot to the beat.

When you think your plume is alive.

When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.

When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.

When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.

When numbers past 8 aren't important.

When you're more opinionated about the Madison vs. American Fork Bands than the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch.

When you'd rather practice than read this list.

When letters past G aren't important.

When the only class you look forward to is band.

When you actually like marching band and would kill to do it all year long.

When you wonder what life would be like if you weren't in band.

When you roll step while you walk to class.

When you major in music .

When you use your high school band director as a role model.

When those stupid "band humor" jokes are the funniest things you've ever heard.

When you pick the instruments from the music in cartoons.

When you start screaming "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" to the people that walk in front of you on the way to class.

When you've dated everyone in the band and now wonder if you're ever going to have another date.

When you think the trumpeters have a right to be egotistical.

When you don't think the flutist have a slight attitude problem.

When you change your instrument to the tuba.

When you have perfect pitch.

When the band director is always right.

When you marry that special someone in your section.

When you have kids and force them to be in music .

When you get the jokes on this list.

when you aren't sure which is more dangerous a girl with a flag or a guy with a gun!


Q: How can you tell if the drummer's platform is level?
A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"

Q: What is John McCain's favorite band?
A: Limp Bizkit

Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.

Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster.

Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A: The bass player notices.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music .

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning."

Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."

Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?
The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is. "200,000" replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
The new guest responds with "250".
"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five".
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"

A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency." This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop.bass solo begins."

How to buy a stereo
1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music .
3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.
4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)
5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)
6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.
7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.
10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.
11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.


Q. what do ya call britney in her first ever musc video
A. a blow job with handles

Q. what does britney say when you blow in her ear
A. thanx for the refill

Q. what did britney call her pet tiger
A. spot

Q. why did britney climb over the glass wall
A. she wanted to know what was on the other side

Britney and Christina are walking down the street christina looks at the ground and sees there's a dead bird on the floor "look britney there's a dead bird" britney looks to the sky and shouts "where?"

Q. why was britney confused by her computer
A. the mouse wouldn't eat the cheese she was trying to feed it


Conan O'brien Jokes

  • Justin Timberlake of *NSYNC is being sued by a 15-year old fan who claims he subjected her to verbal abuse. Apparently, she is suing him for verbal abuse because at his last concert he sung two encores.
  • In a recent interview, Britney Spears said that she would love to do a duet with Michael Jackson. Apparently, Britney feels a strong connection with Jackson because his nose and her boobs are made out of the same material.
  • It was reported today that a publishing company has bought the rights to a novel written by Britney Spears. Apparently, the novel is entitled "How Steroid Got Her Boobs Back".
  • According to today's paper Britney Spears just made a down payment on her own jet airplane. Actually , that makes sense because she already owns her own floatation device.
  • Britney Spears announced that she is writing a memoir where she is going to reveal the secrets of her success. Britney won't say what the secrets are, but she says she calls them "lefty and righty."
  • Last week, two of the most searched for topics on the Internet were Britney Spears and the IRS. Another way to find the information on these two things is to run a search for the phrase "falsified assets."
  • This week Britney Spears' new album debuted at number 1 on the chart, and it sold more copies than all the other top-10 albums combined. I personally think Britney is getting cocky 'cause she told the reporters that she could produce another hit record with one implant hide behind her back.
  • Britney Spears is recovering from an accident during the shooting of one of her videos where she suffered a concussion. Doctors said that it could've been much worse but luckily Britney fell forward.
  • The other day Britney Spears told reporters that she plans on remaining virgin until she gets married. Apparently, Britney went on to say few other things, but the reporters were laughing too hard to hear.
  • Pope John 2 has a new CD out, and it features Britney Spears and Jennifer Love Hewitt. The pope CD is entitled "Boobs As Big As My Hat."
  • Britney Spears had to move a concert plan for the Hollywood Bowl because her stage show is too big for the venue. A spokesperson for the tour said that the Hollywood Bowl is only big enough for her left one.
  • In a recent interview Britney Spears said that she doesn't wear skimpy outfits to be sexy, she wears them so she won't sweat. Then Britney said, "Look, I'm honestly not trying to be sexy; I just don't like sweat dripping down my sweet young thighs."
  • In a recent interview, pop singer Britney Spears said that she would love to marry Britain's Prince William. And the odd part is in a completely different interview, Elton John said the same thing.
  • Last night at the MTV's music video award, the bass player for Rage Against The Machine was arrested because he climbed the piece of the set and refuse to come down. Later two other guys were arrested because they climbed Britney Spears and refuse to come down.
  • The Gay and Lesbian Alliance protested against rapper Eminem because of his offensive lyrics. Not only that, they protested against 'Nsync because they said the guys look "too gay."
  • Over the weekend one of the Backstreet Boys, Brian Littrell, got married. The surprising part is that he married one of the guys from 'Nsync.
  • In a recent interview, Britney Spears admitted that she is going out with Justin Timberlake from N'Sync. Britney said that when she and Justin are together in a room they're so comfortable that they don't need to talk. Apparently, they both just sit there and stare at her boobs.
  • The WB Network announced that Britney Spears will appear on an upcoming episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Apparently, in the episode Britney gets bitten by a vampire, and her chest deflates.

Jokes Page 2

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